Education

How do you explain 'counterclockwise' to a child with a digital watch? - Anonymous

There's a time when you have to explain to your children why they're born, and it's a marvelous thing if you know the reason by then - Hazel Scott

We've been having some trouble with the school bus. It keeps bringing the kids back - Bruce Lansky

The reason you want your kids to pay attention in school is you haven't the faintest idea how to do their homework. - Babs Bell Hajdusiewicz

Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken. - Bill Dodds

One of the disadvantages to enrolling you daughters in dance class is that eventually they put on a recital tha you have to attened. - Bruce Lansky

If you must give your child driving lessons, send him to driving school. He is far more likely to end up owning a Datsun then he is a Stradivarius. - Fran Lebowitz

I taught my child the value of a dollar. This week he wants his allowance in yen. - Milton Berle

Fun And Games

Birthday parties are a lot like childbirth. After both events you solemnly swear you'll never make that mistake again. - Linda Fiterman

By the time you talk your child into writing a thank-you note for a birthday gift, it's already broken. - Bruce Lansky

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you wont feel like watching. - Fran Lebowitz

There is not such thing as fun for the whole family. - Jerry Seinfeld on Seinfeld

It costs more now to amuse a child then it used to cost to educate his father. - Anonymous

Why take your kids to Disneyland when for the same money you can put them through college? - Bruce Lansky

The dough we spent on Disney World we could have saved instead; the ride the kids remember the most was jumping on the bed. - Charles Ghigna

I take my children everywhere; but they always find their way back home. - Robert Orden

If you want to bring your family closer together, buy a smaller car. - Anonymous

There are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. - Robert Benchley

Thank goodness for the pickle jar,
A standard feature in our car.
When sons have signaled they must go,
And traffics jammed or lights are slow,
Our handy-dandy pickle jar relives the tension where we are.
I can't imagine what folks do,
When daughters need to potty, too. - Sydnie Meltzer Kleinhenz

Your kids will feed their new puppy the day you buy it and the days you threaten to take it back to the pet store. - Bruce Lansky

If you wonder where your child left his roller skates, try walking around the house in the dark. - Leopold Fechtner

Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat. - Fran Lebowitz

Acting-Up

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. - Socrates

A tornado touched down, uprooting a large tree in the front yard and demolishing the house across the street. Dad went to the door, opened it, surveyed the damage, and muttered, 'Darned kids...' - Tim Conway

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. - King Edward VII

Heredity is something a man believes in until his song begins acting like a delinquent. - Presbyterian Life

Children behave best when their stomachs are full and their bladders are empty. - Vicki Lansky

A baby-sitter is a teenage girl you hire to let your children do whatever they want. - Henny Youngman

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. - Erma Bombeck

If scientists can put a man on the moon, why can't they figure out which kid hit the other first? - Bruce Lansky

Parents are not interested in justice, they are interested in quiet. - Bill Cosby

Children are natural mimics - they act like their parents in spite of our efforts to teach them good manners. - Anonymous

In spite of the seven thousands books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and...mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it. - Bill Cosby

I have found the best to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S. Truman

Never raise your hand to your child; it leaves your midsection unprotected. - Robert Orben

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. - Monta Crane

An effective gulit tatic is suddenly to yell out, 'I see you!' when your children are in a different room. - Bill Dodds

Taken from 'The Funny Side of Parenthood' selected by Bruce Lansky